I'm having a mid semester slump. I don't want to study, I'm waiting until the last minute to do homework and mid-term papers, I'm allowing myself to think a B or C is okay because I made A's on the last two tests. Bad thinking.

I started a new job this week. That's 5 in 4 months. Go me. Back to corporate restaurant hell, but hey it's full time and close to the house and will help me get to my goal of a car faster. I couldn't work at the dance studio full time, so I had to move on, and the other job I didn't want to work full time... I was drinking way to much for it. I might still go in from time to time though.

I need a plan, like where I'm going to live and go to school at the end of the semester. Part of me wants to go home, back to Dallas and comfort, and family, but another part says get my own apartment here and keep going to Lonestar for another semester, take it easy a little while longer. I don't know what the right decision is for me just yet, but I really need to get it figured out soon.

this is halloween..

I hate it when I can't sleep. I watch funny movies, I take the melatonin, read, do anything but turn off the light... even though I know I need to, even though I know I need to be up in less than five hours.

Did you know that I'd afraid of the dark?? Yep, 24 and afraid of the dark. You think I'm joking, but I'm very much serious.

There is also a fear of being in a house alone, which I will be doing tomorrow, in the dark, on Halloween. Cue eerie sounding music. At least I'll have the kiddos in costume and a bucket of jaw breakers and smarties.

Rabbit in the Moon is tomorrow night too... I really want to go, but it's not worth $150.00 in cab fare and admission it would take to make that happen. Reason number 938742374 that Houston sucks without a car or network of friends.

Eh, I'm sure there's a "it's probably for the best" somewhere in me staying home. Staying away from the night life, the temptation to over do it (like I've been known to a time or two.) Well, I have been doing that, and guess what? It didn't work, I still over did it. Maybe if I got out and lived a little I wouldn't feel so down all the time, and feel the need to escape at home. I miss dancing.

I got a new job today, emptied out all the alcohol I had stored away in my room, ate healthy, rode my bike in knee high heeled boots, and started repaying my debt.

All in all, it's been a good day.

I owe it to myself to keep this going.

Each day is another opportunity to start over. I must must must keep my head above water. I know that I am strong, and that I'm a good person and that I'm capable of turning it all around. I just have to do it. Stop the bullshit, stop the talk and start the action.

Each day can only get brighter.

I'm finding it difficult to keep going in Houston. It would be so easy to bolt. Quit school, move back to Dallas, or maybe Austin. Run away from my problems, and cross my fingers that they don't pop up again.

But I know I can only run for so long. My problems will follow me until I decide to get real with my self and do the work. My drinking is just a symptom of problems buried much deeper. It's like an onion, layers upon layers. I never realized how horrible my coping skills are, and how inconsiderate and selfish I can be because of them.

The experiment failed. I didn't do the real work and bullshitted my way through it and betrayed the trust of two people I respect. I did the bare minimum, and suffered internally the whole time. SO who wins?? Nobody. Coming here was a mistake, because I wasn't ready when I left.

My family is upset with me. My only friends close to me here are upset with me. I'm upset with me. It's all very upsetting.

I like school.

I like studying, and algebra. I get off on cellular respiration.

It's very weird, but the A's I'm making are probably my biggest source of happiness.

I'm ready to go back full time and make the commitment to finish my degree. For that alone, coming here has been totally worth it.

AAAAHHHHHHH

I'm AM trying, I AM doing. If you cannot see progress, it's because you are choosing not to.

I wish you knew how much you hurt me. You have so much anger built up, and I truly don't understand how you live that way. Laugh a little, be friendly, not everything has to be a fight. Not everything is an opportunity to teach me a lesson.

I feel like you've taken away any friendship factor that was there, and for that I'm greatly wounded.

out of sight, still in mind

This is not working. 

Neglecting

I feel like a zombie sometimes, mindlessly walking from location to location with one thing on my mind, only it's not brains, it's sleep. I don't ever feel caught up. 

Burning Man was amazing, simply amazing. I spent so much time planning, and it all went out the window. The only regrets I have are not making more of an effort to see certain people... two in particular, although with one of them it's probably for the best. I did get to say least say hi. I didn't spend much time at my camp, Tuesday I jokingly made the comment "see you in three days" as I left for the night, it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I met up with an old friend, Michael, who quickly became my playa partner in crime. He tells good stories and makes me laugh, I like that. Usually being around somebody 24 hours a day takes work, but this was effortless. I spent a good amount of time in the Red Nose District, and let me tell you, this camp is full of amazingness and hotness and silliness... all things up my alley. I cannot wait to see some of these folks when I go to the San Francisco Decom (yes, this means I will not be attending Myschievea.) Camping with all these San Franciscans really got me thinking about relocating back to my N. Californian roots. Maybe in a year when I'm done with school here I may look into finishing my bachelors there, maybe. I just know I need out of Houston, and would love to make it out of Texas too. 

More on that later. 

slow quick quick

I always thought I was a good dancer, but I'm learning I don't know shit about it. Dancing is hard work, really hard work. There is so much structure that has to become muscle memory before you can really allow yourself to feel the music and the tone of the dance. Where to look, how to hold your neck, your hips, rise and fall, sway, alignment, body contact, frame, heels and toes, quicks and slows all have to be there, while still getting the figures correct. Not easy work, no way. I've been staying late and coming in early to get ready to compete in October, but I'm still nervous I wont be able to dance with complete confidence in time.

I cannot wait for Friday, even though I have a shit ton of work to do before then. I'm leaving Houston Friday night, going to visit my parents and pack more shit Saturday day, and getting on the road to Burning Man Saturday night. HOLY MOLY, I cannot believe the time is here. I need this so bad, so very badly. I cannot wait to see all my people and meet new people and dance and look fabulous and give myself completely and be free. 

Cannot fucking wait. 

Men are from cars

I miss male attention. 

The last person who hit on me is 21, claims his favorite artist is Lil Wayne (who?), and want's to take me out to "the bar", probably to feed me shots until I'm feeling uninhibited  enough to grind on his nether regions while the DJ plays some shitty top 40 bullshit. 

This is my life. FFFFUUUCCCKKKK. Can anyone challenge me?? Please?

I know, I'm here to work, go to school, save money... I don't have time for men. Really, I don't. But I miss them, and not just the sex. I miss being somebody's number one.

The last person I really thought I shared an amazing connection with just informed me he has a girlfriend, which is good... I can get the fuck over it now, and I truly want him to be happy. But I still wonder, why her?? Why not me?? (uh, 1,500 miles is probably the most logical answer... but still, I wonder). 

I'm the pretty girl, the fun girl, the easy one. Not the one good enough to keep, just the one to have around for kicks. 

I feel timing and space had doomed me. Anyone I'm interested in is far too good for me, or lives far too far away. Anyone interested in me is either too preoccupied and smart to go after anything real, or is an idiot. 

I don't want to be in a relationship per say, I just want to care about somebody, and know that they are there for me. And hot sex, I want that too. 

  

I know I don't need it, I just feel like there is this void in my life.  

Are we there yet?

No matter what I do, I don't feel like it's ever enough. I don't feel like I'm ever pleasing the people around me. I don't feel any freedom what so ever. It's frowned upon if I sleep too late, or if I don't talk enough, or only talk to one person, or if I turn my ringer off, or hang out with friends. Even when I feel think I'm doing fine, I find out that I've screwed up somehow. Never enough. 

But in the end, I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing. Nobody has ever pushed me this hard, or stayed on my ass like this. Maybe I need it. Maybe not. Time will tell. 

kick hitch kick

I'm moved from the air mattress to the tempurpedic bed. Score. Kevin and Spencer left yesterday and already there is a feeling of calm around the house. I moved into the room Kevin had, I miss the red room, though. I like red. 

Meredith was in town from Dallas with her parents. We kidnapped her for awhile and forced her to play with us. Friday we played with hoops and poi and spend Saturday by the pool. Later that night we all ended up at Shay and Krafty's, doing more of the same thing. I played with the staff until the sun came up, it's super addictive. 

Thursday I had a very surreal moment. First of all, it doesn't matter where you are going around here, everything is referred to as "The Bar". Where are we going? The Bar. Oh right, the bar. So, I was at the bar with work friends and while I was learning the line dance to Copperhead Road I realized just how strange life is. If you would have told me I'd be in Houston line dancing three months ago I would have laughed at you, but here I am. Some days I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Other days I just feel snobby. 

I'm going to talk with an advisor tomorrow at Kingwood College, hopefully get enrolled if they don't require payment upfront. Kind of exciting. 

look at me, way up high

I am so confused, so very confused. The deeper I get into this job, the more I wonder if it's right for me. First of all, I hate my location. I don't like the suburbs, I loathe the red necks and humidity. This company is investing in me so that I can teach for them, and I just keep thinking about how badly I want to flee this area. 

There is also a schedule issue. They want 12 noon until 10, sometimes 11 pm every night, and you are not getting paid for a lot of that time. They want weekends, unpaid. I guess they figure this should be a labor of love, and in a lot of ways I'm willing to commit, but not memorial day weekend, no way. I want Angi time, too. I want see the world and visit home time. I want just a little control of my schedule.  

I keep telling myself I need to stick with this, even if for only a year and see what happens. But what will I do if I've invested all this time into it only to discover that I want out?? Then what? I've wasted this opportunity. 

Maybe in a year they will open a location in Austin, or Dallas. Think happy thoughts. I suppose by then I will have acquired a skill and can switch companies if I need to relocate. Happy happy thoughts. 

Everything hurts. My legs, my head, my shoulders, and thanks to the chinese food, my stomach too. But I'm feeling good because I hit my financial goal for Burning Man, well almost. I can afford the ticket and a way there and back, but still need a little more for food and gear, but that shouldn't be a problem. Yippity yay yeah. I'm going to book my flight tomorrow, it's official... I'm going. 

Next goal, a car. And school. And kick ass boots. And saving. 

Friday was the 2nd quarter seminar at Fred Astaire, and an after party at the owners house. I got to meet and get to know the instructors from the other studios and made friends with a few pretty quickly. Even went out that night with people from the Katy studio. Three cheers for a growing social life, finally. Tommy, one of the instructors, wants me to do a Viennese waltz routine with him which sounds like lots of fun, definitely a challenge though, Viennese is FAST.

 

Ventalation

no more drunken blog postings. 

Amazing Breathing Nipples!

The days of sitting idly by are gone. Next week I will be working 7-11 am at the coffee shop, doing dance training from 2-5 pm, working the front desk from 5-10  pm, then practicing for Texarama from 10-11 pm. I think I'm working on the weekend too. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the dance studio, my learning curve is taking longer than I like, and it's frustrating me. I haven't been doing much dancing this week, my time is usually spent at the front desk. They want me to go solo next week, but I can't even get through an hour without asking a million questions and screwing things up. I know I'll get it down, I just want it to be now. Immediate gratification, damn it. 

Willie invited me to compete with him at Texarama, my first ballroom dance competition. Now all I have to do is learn to dance. I said yes before I remembered it's the same weekend as Myschievia, and was crushed when I realized what I had agreed to. It's becoming apparent that this isn't the kind of job that will allow me to travel much, which makes me wonder if I can ever fully commit to it. Sure there are travel opportunities when you compete, but just thinking about missing out on burns makes my soul cry. I know I shouldn't let that decide my future, but it's a big part of who I am. I was talking with Cheryl (one of the instructors) about work and she told me, "what you put in twice, you'll only get once back, there is no half assing this, it engulfs your life." I want to be full assed, but I get so scared that I'll loose who I am. I don't want to be just a ballroom dancer, I don't want that to define me. On the other hand, I'll never get to see any of the rewards unless I dive in, so I'm hanging up my floatie for now. Sink or swim. 

Krafty made me my own fire hoop. I have so much love for him right now. I left it over there though, damn it. I cannot wait to burn it, cannot fucking wait. 

I'm mentally committing to Burning Man, it's becoming more and more important to me that I go. I've was listening to  The Entheogenic Evolution pod cast, and really identified with what Martin W. Ball has to say about Burning Man. Not even necessarily the parts related to drugs, but the openness and giving of one's self, those parts spoke to me.

 

I want to go back and do it right, have a real journey and learn something about myself, not just party party party. I wouldn't say that I particularly had a good time last year, everything was available, but I didn't open myself up to receive it, and I regret that deeply. It's important to me that I reclaim that. That and Sean will be on the journey, and he is my soul brother, it makes perfect sense to share this experience with him. Mentally prepared, yes.  Monetarily?? That's another issue. I'm going to be a busy worker bee and hope that I get there in time. No, I'm going to get there in time. 

Let the moment go, don't forget it for a moment though

I keep finding seashells in my purse, constant reminders of the magic he's made of. 

Every time I see a picture of him my stomach gets butterflies, my breath short, and my head dizzy. It always hurts when you realize you cared more for somebody than they did for you, or that your desire to be near them far surpasses their desire to be close to you. I should have realized it after looking at the pictures from the photo booth, me reaching for him in almost every one, him looking forward, hands to his side... it's all in the body language.

I think I should have left on Monday when we both were pining to be near one another, maybe it would be different. I wish I hadn't opened myself up so completely, allowed myself to be vulnerable. I wasn't asking for anything more than what was already happening, but that seems to have stopped. The rational side of me knows it's probably all in the timing and logistics, but the emotional part of me keeps replaying that weekend in my head, looking for the moment I did something wrong. Silly me. 

I don't know how much of what I experienced was real, the words, the feelings, any of it. I guess it was just a moment, one peculiar passing moment. 

"See you on the playa" he says.

Sure, see you then. 

in memory

I put on my costumes and danced around my room this weekend, pretending I was at the burn. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty much a dork, but it made me temporarily happy. 

Friday Wayward and I went to see Kaskade at Rich's. Good fun. The place reminded me of an S4, Club One type place, big and full of interesting people. We danced and took pictures and got free tee shirts. I jumped from the floor onto the stage, and nobody seemed to mind until I started dancing. Apparently they don't like dancing on the stage, very Footloose. I met some cool folks and we exchanged numbers, although we probably won't ever call. Too bad too, but in my experiences that's how it goes. My phone is full of names like "Aubrey Neon Pants" and "Michael dimples", but I'm always afraid they won't remember me, so I don't call. 

Saturday I watched the whole season 3 of Weeds. That's the extent of my whole day. Exciting. 

Things at the dance studio seem to be working out. I enjoy being there, and don't have a whole lot else going on in my life, so it's easy to completely immerse myself in it. I'm training to work the front desk there until I'm equipped to teach dance. A pay check will sure be nice, gas is killing me. It's about $20 to go anywhere out of the suburbs, so I pretty much stay in them. I went all the way to the Galleria area to find a dance store for shoes, and never found it... $20 down the drain. Even staying in the burbs, gas makes me hurt. I'm used to my civic with no ac... didn't require too much gas, but I'm thankful that I have access to a car anyway, even if I'm spending all my money using it. 

I'm making tiny top hats and pasties. Crafting relaxes me and it's a good way to spend all this free time, eventually I'd like to start selling at swap meets and crafting fairs, maybe even set up a website. They offer a millinery class at Houston Community College which is appealing to me, I've always had a hat fetish. 

A case of the misses

The new season of Project Runway starts tonight. GLEE!!

Yes, this is the highlight of my social calendar. I know... lame. 

I'm not going to Transformus this weekend, and am ok with it. I will see lots of pictures and hear stories when Sam and Rob return, so it will be kind of like I went (ok, not really at all, but I'm staying positive). It wasn't an easy decision to come to, but after weighing the pros and cons, I think I made the right one. I really wish I could be at Rob's first burn, and spend another with Sam, and fire hoop for the first time at a burn, and see that marvelous Philly boy and The Philadelphia Experiment crew, and meet at the fabulous people Sam has been telling me about, and feel the freedom that only these events bring me, but yeah, there will be other burns, many many more. 

Wayward is coming to town this weekend, and Shay is having a thing, so I won't be home all wekend in this huge house with nothing to do, that helps a lot. I'm happy to be getting a little taste of home with Wayway being here. I miss my friends terribly and I miss being part of a community, I miss the Thursday bike rides and Wednesday drum jams. I miss being able to call someone up and do something, anything. I feel quite alone sometimes. 

Hopefully in time that will change. 

I learned Vampire romance novels are not my thing, no matter how hard I try to get into them. I'm going to try Red Dragon instead at Rob's suggestion. 

Shake shake shake senora

Everything had worked out the way I wanted. Imagine that. 

I started slinging coffee this morning, bright and early like.  I learned everything quite quickly, and the owner seems to like me... I kind of feel bad that I don't have any intention of being there long term. 

I also started training at the dance studio today. My shoes were too small so I couldn't be as enthusiastic about it as I wanted to be, but hopefully that's a problem that will be fixed soon. They want me to work at the front desk as well which will help me make some money while training. I sat in on two classes, one intermediate salsa, one swing and cha cha foundations... both a lot of fun. It felt really good to dance, nothing brings my mood up faster than that (well, there is one other thing, but that's a different kind of dance, now isn't it?).  The students and teachers were both enjoyable to be around and very eager to help, I even made friends with one of the students, she offered to show me around town and invited me to a "girls night". 

Things around the house are peaceful after knocking down some communication barriers. My love and appreciation for Sam and Rob are at an all time high, just in the last few days I feel like I've grown so much, and for a lot of it I have them to thank. 

After last week and all it's ickyness, all is well in Angi land. 

I do miss home and my friends though, and my parents, and beer. Oh, and house music. But yeah, other than that things are good. 

How much of human life is lost in waiting?

I'm feeling quite discouraged this week. I called to accept the job at the dance studio on Monday and was told the owner and manager were out for the day. I called again Tuesday and talked to the manager, he told me the owner was out of town until Thursday. I called Thursday, the owner was at lunch... at 6:30pm. I haven't heard back. I don't understand what could have happened in between the time I was offered a job and now. I really feel like I'm being blown off, and it makes me sad... I was so excited about working there. I guess opportunity isn't always a lengthy visitor. 

I think I'll go up there Monday to find out exactly what the deal is. 

What's really unfortunate is that I've accepted a job making coffee, at 5am, for minimum wage. I did this so I could have a part time job while I went through training at the studio, I really am not interested in working there, whatsoever. 

I feel like I've wasted a whole week waiting to hear from them. 

Fire work, sans fireworks

I didn't see a single firework all weekend. I heard them all week, I heard about them all week, I think I saw one reflected out of a window. Ah well. 

Friday we performed at Onion Creek, it went well I suppose. I learned a valuable lesson... come prepared for shitty performance conditions. The ground was rocky and uneven and I busted my ass once, luckily I had extra tennis shoes on hand. Saturday we drove to Austin to perform at Enchanted Forest. I had never been to this place before, it's quite beautiful. There were a few set backs, like time delays and stage moving around, but nothing major. Anderson was there and that made me smile. We drove back to Houston that night, not getting home until just after 5am. Yeesh. I wish I got to spend more time in Austin... another time I guess. 

I called the dance studio today to accept the job. The manager wasn't in so I don't know when I can start training, hopefully everything is still ok go. I need a part time job now. 

Transformus is on and I'm insanely excited. 

A candid moment

As much as I want to accept the job teaching ballroom, it honestly scares the shit out of me. Here's something I love doing and am good at, but I still want to let it go. Ugh. What the fuck is wrong with me?? It's easier for me to accept a job I hate so I have an easy out later. 

I think about settling into a routine, going to work at noon, getting off at nine, monday through Friday, every week, every month... and my anxiety kicks in, hard core. 

Say I accept the job, I show up early everyday with a smile, motivated and ready to work. They love me and want me around. They tell me what a great job I'm doing and I feel wonderful. Then one day I start to feel trapped and dread work, it's not fun anymore. I want something else. I'll start coming to work late or drinking on my lunch hour. I'll go home and stare at the wall, feeling out of breath and depressed. I'll yearn for something else. I'll disappoint everyone. 

I think about these things, and they scare me. What if l never see anything through?? 

Jesus, I haven't even accepted the job and I'm already thinking about how it will end. I think I have commitment issues.   

Curry, Sleep, and Freaks

"She's so hot, she's like a curry."

OMG, Flight of the Conchords, how did I never know this wonderful nugget of joy existed?!?!

I'm enthralled right now. I like mini obsessions.

I worked today. 

Waking up this morning was painful, extremely painful. I used to go to bed at 6:30am, and now that's when I'm waking up... go figure. They cleverly disguised a telemarketing job as a sales position, I was incredibly disappointed.  I've done telemarketing, and I hated every second of it. Nothing about it brings me joy. I don't think I will be able to stay there and be happy, but it's a steady pay check and that's what I need right now. I'm at odds.   

I want to accept the dance instruction job so badly, I really really do. I think I need to look for a part time job so I can justify losing the money making time it will take to train me. 

I lied. The room is red, not light blue. 

My sleep patterns have been becoming more normal lately. I'm actually able to fall asleep before 3am, I don't remember being able to do that naturally in quite some time. 

It's been over one week without a hangover, in fact I can count the number of drinks I've had on one hand. I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me, that's huge. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. 

I'm almost finished with Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. It's about a traveling carny family who wishes to breed (by way of radio isotopes, arsenic...) a family of freaks. This book is seriously fucked up and makes me incredibly uncomfortable at times, which is hard to do. I give the author credit. 

Jobs and such

So my pepto-bismol pink and purple room is being painted a lovely light blue... and it's making me nauseous, but just a small price to pay indeed. The smell will be gone soon and I can take my stuff out from a pile in the center of the room, on top of my very comfortable air mattress. I was just getting to like the color, too. It had character, it got me in touch with my inner 7 year old girl. 

I've been running around like mad, picking up applications, dropping them off, interviewing, and bull shitting... with a smile! I've applied at places I never thought I would work, car washes, hair salons, at&t stores, anywhere really. I figure anything, even if temporary, is better than nothing. On the way home today I drove past The Llewellyn Corp, and they had a huge sign outside that said "Help Wanted". Not knowing anything about this company, I walked in and inquired as to what kind of help they were looking for, turns out it's outside sales, something I know nothing about and have no experience in. I met with the owner,  he offered me an ice cream cone, I accepted, we talked for a bit, and he offered me a job. I'm still not exactly sure what the company is all about, but I'll be there at 8am tomorrow to find out. I believe it has something to do with providing sales tax relief on energy bills through specific exemptions. Hmm. 8am. Wow. 

I also interviewed at Fred Astaire Dance Studio and they offered me a job teaching ballroom dance. I would have to go through dance training before I can start making any money, and that may take anywhere from one week to two months, depending. I'm not sure if I can wait that long for a pay check... I suppose I could get another part time job. I really regret not following through the last time I trained to teach ballroom five years ago. Dancing is what makes me the happiest on the planet. I miss it. 

Yay. Choices. 

I'm beginning to feel way more comfortable with the fire hoop business. I found that having music on helps enormously. The neighbors all came running over when they saw us light up tonight, that was fun. Fire in suburbia, I love it. 

burn it, bitch.

"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion, you must first set yourself on fire"
-Fred Shero

I remember the first time Sam and I hung out. She called me out of the blue and asked me to come over to help her arrange her outfits in preparation for Burning Man, I happily obliged. We ended up by the pool until 5am practicing the basket weave with our poi, it was my first real introduction into skill toys. I didn't take to poi immediately, but that night definitely inspired me to become serious about hooping. Months later we happened upon a drum jam at Across the Street Bar, a place where fire performance is welcome and skills and knowledge of skill toys is shared and appreciated. We both bloomed at our different gifts as the weeks went on.

So, it's wonderful to me that we were both invited to be a part of an incredible fire performance group, Luminosity.

Here is my problem, today was only the fourth time I've lit a hoop on fire, and I'm supposed to perform for the first time with the group next week, in front of 2,500 people. Holy shit. I realized it doesn't matter how many times you've done a trick with a regular hoop, when it's on fire, it's a whole other world. It's hot, and it will burn you. I couldn't do half the things I was used to.

I finally have access to a fire hoop (thank you Krafty!), so I guess all I can do is light up as many times as I can, practice a bunch, and pray for my hair follicles. I have faith.

Shay also let us play with her fire fans today, and Krafty taught us some of the basics of the staff. I cannot wait to pick them up again.

Fire is one of my favorite things about being in Houston so far, hands down.

My arrival

I don't throw things away.

For years I've kept every letter, card, article of clothing, and gift I'll never use. I've allowed this (and my lack of organizational skills) to take over my living space and life to the point that not a single patch of carpet is visible, I became trapped in my own memories.

I've spent the week compacting my life down, throwing away things I thought I wouldn't ever need again, and packing up what I thought I would. During my frenzy my father said to me "you'll be surprised how much this stuff will mean to you later in life, you don't have to throw it all away."

I already miss my old diary, rave bracelets, and mobiles. I suppose one day I may want to read about my fifth grade crush on Woody Wilson or revisit the oomch oomch of Bad Boy Bill via plastic beads, but alas... it's in the trash in Garland Tx, and I am now a resident of Kingwood Tx (just outside Houston).

It's a bit of a catharsis I suppose.

I'm experiencing a mixture of emotions right now. Excitement about my new journey in life, and fear of the unknown. Gratitude is also a big one. I'm grateful towards Sam and Rob who are helping me get my life onto a different and more productive path, to those who helped me realize my downward spiral, and especially my parents for their unconditional love, understanding, and support.

Oh, and special thanks to Dad for fixing my power supply, boo on me for leaving it in Dallas.

Change doesn't come easy for me, but I'm going to breathe and take it day by day, goal by goal.

First goal... to find a job. Wee.

Off to read and hope for sleep, even though I know it probably won't come. I can't seem to turn my brain off these days, even worse than normal. Hopefully that ability will come with a more healthy life style.

Night night.