this is halloween..

I hate it when I can't sleep. I watch funny movies, I take the melatonin, read, do anything but turn off the light... even though I know I need to, even though I know I need to be up in less than five hours.

Did you know that I'd afraid of the dark?? Yep, 24 and afraid of the dark. You think I'm joking, but I'm very much serious.

There is also a fear of being in a house alone, which I will be doing tomorrow, in the dark, on Halloween. Cue eerie sounding music. At least I'll have the kiddos in costume and a bucket of jaw breakers and smarties.

Rabbit in the Moon is tomorrow night too... I really want to go, but it's not worth $150.00 in cab fare and admission it would take to make that happen. Reason number 938742374 that Houston sucks without a car or network of friends.

Eh, I'm sure there's a "it's probably for the best" somewhere in me staying home. Staying away from the night life, the temptation to over do it (like I've been known to a time or two.) Well, I have been doing that, and guess what? It didn't work, I still over did it. Maybe if I got out and lived a little I wouldn't feel so down all the time, and feel the need to escape at home. I miss dancing.

I got a new job today, emptied out all the alcohol I had stored away in my room, ate healthy, rode my bike in knee high heeled boots, and started repaying my debt.

All in all, it's been a good day.

I owe it to myself to keep this going.

Each day is another opportunity to start over. I must must must keep my head above water. I know that I am strong, and that I'm a good person and that I'm capable of turning it all around. I just have to do it. Stop the bullshit, stop the talk and start the action.

Each day can only get brighter.

I'm finding it difficult to keep going in Houston. It would be so easy to bolt. Quit school, move back to Dallas, or maybe Austin. Run away from my problems, and cross my fingers that they don't pop up again.

But I know I can only run for so long. My problems will follow me until I decide to get real with my self and do the work. My drinking is just a symptom of problems buried much deeper. It's like an onion, layers upon layers. I never realized how horrible my coping skills are, and how inconsiderate and selfish I can be because of them.

The experiment failed. I didn't do the real work and bullshitted my way through it and betrayed the trust of two people I respect. I did the bare minimum, and suffered internally the whole time. SO who wins?? Nobody. Coming here was a mistake, because I wasn't ready when I left.

My family is upset with me. My only friends close to me here are upset with me. I'm upset with me. It's all very upsetting.

I like school.

I like studying, and algebra. I get off on cellular respiration.

It's very weird, but the A's I'm making are probably my biggest source of happiness.

I'm ready to go back full time and make the commitment to finish my degree. For that alone, coming here has been totally worth it.

AAAAHHHHHHH

I'm AM trying, I AM doing. If you cannot see progress, it's because you are choosing not to.

I wish you knew how much you hurt me. You have so much anger built up, and I truly don't understand how you live that way. Laugh a little, be friendly, not everything has to be a fight. Not everything is an opportunity to teach me a lesson.

I feel like you've taken away any friendship factor that was there, and for that I'm greatly wounded.

out of sight, still in mind

This is not working.