Amazing Breathing Nipples!

The days of sitting idly by are gone. Next week I will be working 7-11 am at the coffee shop, doing dance training from 2-5 pm, working the front desk from 5-10  pm, then practicing for Texarama from 10-11 pm. I think I'm working on the weekend too. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the dance studio, my learning curve is taking longer than I like, and it's frustrating me. I haven't been doing much dancing this week, my time is usually spent at the front desk. They want me to go solo next week, but I can't even get through an hour without asking a million questions and screwing things up. I know I'll get it down, I just want it to be now. Immediate gratification, damn it. 

Willie invited me to compete with him at Texarama, my first ballroom dance competition. Now all I have to do is learn to dance. I said yes before I remembered it's the same weekend as Myschievia, and was crushed when I realized what I had agreed to. It's becoming apparent that this isn't the kind of job that will allow me to travel much, which makes me wonder if I can ever fully commit to it. Sure there are travel opportunities when you compete, but just thinking about missing out on burns makes my soul cry. I know I shouldn't let that decide my future, but it's a big part of who I am. I was talking with Cheryl (one of the instructors) about work and she told me, "what you put in twice, you'll only get once back, there is no half assing this, it engulfs your life." I want to be full assed, but I get so scared that I'll loose who I am. I don't want to be just a ballroom dancer, I don't want that to define me. On the other hand, I'll never get to see any of the rewards unless I dive in, so I'm hanging up my floatie for now. Sink or swim. 

Krafty made me my own fire hoop. I have so much love for him right now. I left it over there though, damn it. I cannot wait to burn it, cannot fucking wait. 

I'm mentally committing to Burning Man, it's becoming more and more important to me that I go. I've was listening to  The Entheogenic Evolution pod cast, and really identified with what Martin W. Ball has to say about Burning Man. Not even necessarily the parts related to drugs, but the openness and giving of one's self, those parts spoke to me.

 

I want to go back and do it right, have a real journey and learn something about myself, not just party party party. I wouldn't say that I particularly had a good time last year, everything was available, but I didn't open myself up to receive it, and I regret that deeply. It's important to me that I reclaim that. That and Sean will be on the journey, and he is my soul brother, it makes perfect sense to share this experience with him. Mentally prepared, yes.  Monetarily?? That's another issue. I'm going to be a busy worker bee and hope that I get there in time. No, I'm going to get there in time. 

Let the moment go, don't forget it for a moment though

I keep finding seashells in my purse, constant reminders of the magic he's made of. 

Every time I see a picture of him my stomach gets butterflies, my breath short, and my head dizzy. It always hurts when you realize you cared more for somebody than they did for you, or that your desire to be near them far surpasses their desire to be close to you. I should have realized it after looking at the pictures from the photo booth, me reaching for him in almost every one, him looking forward, hands to his side... it's all in the body language.

I think I should have left on Monday when we both were pining to be near one another, maybe it would be different. I wish I hadn't opened myself up so completely, allowed myself to be vulnerable. I wasn't asking for anything more than what was already happening, but that seems to have stopped. The rational side of me knows it's probably all in the timing and logistics, but the emotional part of me keeps replaying that weekend in my head, looking for the moment I did something wrong. Silly me. 

I don't know how much of what I experienced was real, the words, the feelings, any of it. I guess it was just a moment, one peculiar passing moment. 

"See you on the playa" he says.

Sure, see you then. 

in memory

I put on my costumes and danced around my room this weekend, pretending I was at the burn. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty much a dork, but it made me temporarily happy. 

Friday Wayward and I went to see Kaskade at Rich's. Good fun. The place reminded me of an S4, Club One type place, big and full of interesting people. We danced and took pictures and got free tee shirts. I jumped from the floor onto the stage, and nobody seemed to mind until I started dancing. Apparently they don't like dancing on the stage, very Footloose. I met some cool folks and we exchanged numbers, although we probably won't ever call. Too bad too, but in my experiences that's how it goes. My phone is full of names like "Aubrey Neon Pants" and "Michael dimples", but I'm always afraid they won't remember me, so I don't call. 

Saturday I watched the whole season 3 of Weeds. That's the extent of my whole day. Exciting. 

Things at the dance studio seem to be working out. I enjoy being there, and don't have a whole lot else going on in my life, so it's easy to completely immerse myself in it. I'm training to work the front desk there until I'm equipped to teach dance. A pay check will sure be nice, gas is killing me. It's about $20 to go anywhere out of the suburbs, so I pretty much stay in them. I went all the way to the Galleria area to find a dance store for shoes, and never found it... $20 down the drain. Even staying in the burbs, gas makes me hurt. I'm used to my civic with no ac... didn't require too much gas, but I'm thankful that I have access to a car anyway, even if I'm spending all my money using it. 

I'm making tiny top hats and pasties. Crafting relaxes me and it's a good way to spend all this free time, eventually I'd like to start selling at swap meets and crafting fairs, maybe even set up a website. They offer a millinery class at Houston Community College which is appealing to me, I've always had a hat fetish. 

A case of the misses

The new season of Project Runway starts tonight. GLEE!!

Yes, this is the highlight of my social calendar. I know... lame. 

I'm not going to Transformus this weekend, and am ok with it. I will see lots of pictures and hear stories when Sam and Rob return, so it will be kind of like I went (ok, not really at all, but I'm staying positive). It wasn't an easy decision to come to, but after weighing the pros and cons, I think I made the right one. I really wish I could be at Rob's first burn, and spend another with Sam, and fire hoop for the first time at a burn, and see that marvelous Philly boy and The Philadelphia Experiment crew, and meet at the fabulous people Sam has been telling me about, and feel the freedom that only these events bring me, but yeah, there will be other burns, many many more. 

Wayward is coming to town this weekend, and Shay is having a thing, so I won't be home all wekend in this huge house with nothing to do, that helps a lot. I'm happy to be getting a little taste of home with Wayway being here. I miss my friends terribly and I miss being part of a community, I miss the Thursday bike rides and Wednesday drum jams. I miss being able to call someone up and do something, anything. I feel quite alone sometimes. 

Hopefully in time that will change. 

I learned Vampire romance novels are not my thing, no matter how hard I try to get into them. I'm going to try Red Dragon instead at Rob's suggestion. 

Shake shake shake senora

Everything had worked out the way I wanted. Imagine that. 

I started slinging coffee this morning, bright and early like.  I learned everything quite quickly, and the owner seems to like me... I kind of feel bad that I don't have any intention of being there long term. 

I also started training at the dance studio today. My shoes were too small so I couldn't be as enthusiastic about it as I wanted to be, but hopefully that's a problem that will be fixed soon. They want me to work at the front desk as well which will help me make some money while training. I sat in on two classes, one intermediate salsa, one swing and cha cha foundations... both a lot of fun. It felt really good to dance, nothing brings my mood up faster than that (well, there is one other thing, but that's a different kind of dance, now isn't it?).  The students and teachers were both enjoyable to be around and very eager to help, I even made friends with one of the students, she offered to show me around town and invited me to a "girls night". 

Things around the house are peaceful after knocking down some communication barriers. My love and appreciation for Sam and Rob are at an all time high, just in the last few days I feel like I've grown so much, and for a lot of it I have them to thank. 

After last week and all it's ickyness, all is well in Angi land. 

I do miss home and my friends though, and my parents, and beer. Oh, and house music. But yeah, other than that things are good. 

How much of human life is lost in waiting?

I'm feeling quite discouraged this week. I called to accept the job at the dance studio on Monday and was told the owner and manager were out for the day. I called again Tuesday and talked to the manager, he told me the owner was out of town until Thursday. I called Thursday, the owner was at lunch... at 6:30pm. I haven't heard back. I don't understand what could have happened in between the time I was offered a job and now. I really feel like I'm being blown off, and it makes me sad... I was so excited about working there. I guess opportunity isn't always a lengthy visitor. 

I think I'll go up there Monday to find out exactly what the deal is. 

What's really unfortunate is that I've accepted a job making coffee, at 5am, for minimum wage. I did this so I could have a part time job while I went through training at the studio, I really am not interested in working there, whatsoever. 

I feel like I've wasted a whole week waiting to hear from them. 

Fire work, sans fireworks

I didn't see a single firework all weekend. I heard them all week, I heard about them all week, I think I saw one reflected out of a window. Ah well. 

Friday we performed at Onion Creek, it went well I suppose. I learned a valuable lesson... come prepared for shitty performance conditions. The ground was rocky and uneven and I busted my ass once, luckily I had extra tennis shoes on hand. Saturday we drove to Austin to perform at Enchanted Forest. I had never been to this place before, it's quite beautiful. There were a few set backs, like time delays and stage moving around, but nothing major. Anderson was there and that made me smile. We drove back to Houston that night, not getting home until just after 5am. Yeesh. I wish I got to spend more time in Austin... another time I guess. 

I called the dance studio today to accept the job. The manager wasn't in so I don't know when I can start training, hopefully everything is still ok go. I need a part time job now. 

Transformus is on and I'm insanely excited. 

A candid moment

As much as I want to accept the job teaching ballroom, it honestly scares the shit out of me. Here's something I love doing and am good at, but I still want to let it go. Ugh. What the fuck is wrong with me?? It's easier for me to accept a job I hate so I have an easy out later. 

I think about settling into a routine, going to work at noon, getting off at nine, monday through Friday, every week, every month... and my anxiety kicks in, hard core. 

Say I accept the job, I show up early everyday with a smile, motivated and ready to work. They love me and want me around. They tell me what a great job I'm doing and I feel wonderful. Then one day I start to feel trapped and dread work, it's not fun anymore. I want something else. I'll start coming to work late or drinking on my lunch hour. I'll go home and stare at the wall, feeling out of breath and depressed. I'll yearn for something else. I'll disappoint everyone. 

I think about these things, and they scare me. What if l never see anything through?? 

Jesus, I haven't even accepted the job and I'm already thinking about how it will end. I think I have commitment issues.   

Curry, Sleep, and Freaks

"She's so hot, she's like a curry."

OMG, Flight of the Conchords, how did I never know this wonderful nugget of joy existed?!?!

I'm enthralled right now. I like mini obsessions.

I worked today. 

Waking up this morning was painful, extremely painful. I used to go to bed at 6:30am, and now that's when I'm waking up... go figure. They cleverly disguised a telemarketing job as a sales position, I was incredibly disappointed.  I've done telemarketing, and I hated every second of it. Nothing about it brings me joy. I don't think I will be able to stay there and be happy, but it's a steady pay check and that's what I need right now. I'm at odds.   

I want to accept the dance instruction job so badly, I really really do. I think I need to look for a part time job so I can justify losing the money making time it will take to train me. 

I lied. The room is red, not light blue. 

My sleep patterns have been becoming more normal lately. I'm actually able to fall asleep before 3am, I don't remember being able to do that naturally in quite some time. 

It's been over one week without a hangover, in fact I can count the number of drinks I've had on one hand. I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me, that's huge. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. 

I'm almost finished with Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. It's about a traveling carny family who wishes to breed (by way of radio isotopes, arsenic...) a family of freaks. This book is seriously fucked up and makes me incredibly uncomfortable at times, which is hard to do. I give the author credit. 

Jobs and such

So my pepto-bismol pink and purple room is being painted a lovely light blue... and it's making me nauseous, but just a small price to pay indeed. The smell will be gone soon and I can take my stuff out from a pile in the center of the room, on top of my very comfortable air mattress. I was just getting to like the color, too. It had character, it got me in touch with my inner 7 year old girl. 

I've been running around like mad, picking up applications, dropping them off, interviewing, and bull shitting... with a smile! I've applied at places I never thought I would work, car washes, hair salons, at&t stores, anywhere really. I figure anything, even if temporary, is better than nothing. On the way home today I drove past The Llewellyn Corp, and they had a huge sign outside that said "Help Wanted". Not knowing anything about this company, I walked in and inquired as to what kind of help they were looking for, turns out it's outside sales, something I know nothing about and have no experience in. I met with the owner,  he offered me an ice cream cone, I accepted, we talked for a bit, and he offered me a job. I'm still not exactly sure what the company is all about, but I'll be there at 8am tomorrow to find out. I believe it has something to do with providing sales tax relief on energy bills through specific exemptions. Hmm. 8am. Wow. 

I also interviewed at Fred Astaire Dance Studio and they offered me a job teaching ballroom dance. I would have to go through dance training before I can start making any money, and that may take anywhere from one week to two months, depending. I'm not sure if I can wait that long for a pay check... I suppose I could get another part time job. I really regret not following through the last time I trained to teach ballroom five years ago. Dancing is what makes me the happiest on the planet. I miss it. 

Yay. Choices. 

I'm beginning to feel way more comfortable with the fire hoop business. I found that having music on helps enormously. The neighbors all came running over when they saw us light up tonight, that was fun. Fire in suburbia, I love it.