slow quick quick

I always thought I was a good dancer, but I'm learning I don't know shit about it. Dancing is hard work, really hard work. There is so much structure that has to become muscle memory before you can really allow yourself to feel the music and the tone of the dance. Where to look, how to hold your neck, your hips, rise and fall, sway, alignment, body contact, frame, heels and toes, quicks and slows all have to be there, while still getting the figures correct. Not easy work, no way. I've been staying late and coming in early to get ready to compete in October, but I'm still nervous I wont be able to dance with complete confidence in time.

I cannot wait for Friday, even though I have a shit ton of work to do before then. I'm leaving Houston Friday night, going to visit my parents and pack more shit Saturday day, and getting on the road to Burning Man Saturday night. HOLY MOLY, I cannot believe the time is here. I need this so bad, so very badly. I cannot wait to see all my people and meet new people and dance and look fabulous and give myself completely and be free. 

Cannot fucking wait. 

Men are from cars

I miss male attention. 

The last person who hit on me is 21, claims his favorite artist is Lil Wayne (who?), and want's to take me out to "the bar", probably to feed me shots until I'm feeling uninhibited  enough to grind on his nether regions while the DJ plays some shitty top 40 bullshit. 

This is my life. FFFFUUUCCCKKKK. Can anyone challenge me?? Please?

I know, I'm here to work, go to school, save money... I don't have time for men. Really, I don't. But I miss them, and not just the sex. I miss being somebody's number one.

The last person I really thought I shared an amazing connection with just informed me he has a girlfriend, which is good... I can get the fuck over it now, and I truly want him to be happy. But I still wonder, why her?? Why not me?? (uh, 1,500 miles is probably the most logical answer... but still, I wonder). 

I'm the pretty girl, the fun girl, the easy one. Not the one good enough to keep, just the one to have around for kicks. 

I feel timing and space had doomed me. Anyone I'm interested in is far too good for me, or lives far too far away. Anyone interested in me is either too preoccupied and smart to go after anything real, or is an idiot. 

I don't want to be in a relationship per say, I just want to care about somebody, and know that they are there for me. And hot sex, I want that too. 

  

I know I don't need it, I just feel like there is this void in my life.  

Are we there yet?

No matter what I do, I don't feel like it's ever enough. I don't feel like I'm ever pleasing the people around me. I don't feel any freedom what so ever. It's frowned upon if I sleep too late, or if I don't talk enough, or only talk to one person, or if I turn my ringer off, or hang out with friends. Even when I feel think I'm doing fine, I find out that I've screwed up somehow. Never enough. 

But in the end, I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing. Nobody has ever pushed me this hard, or stayed on my ass like this. Maybe I need it. Maybe not. Time will tell. 

kick hitch kick

I'm moved from the air mattress to the tempurpedic bed. Score. Kevin and Spencer left yesterday and already there is a feeling of calm around the house. I moved into the room Kevin had, I miss the red room, though. I like red. 

Meredith was in town from Dallas with her parents. We kidnapped her for awhile and forced her to play with us. Friday we played with hoops and poi and spend Saturday by the pool. Later that night we all ended up at Shay and Krafty's, doing more of the same thing. I played with the staff until the sun came up, it's super addictive. 

Thursday I had a very surreal moment. First of all, it doesn't matter where you are going around here, everything is referred to as "The Bar". Where are we going? The Bar. Oh right, the bar. So, I was at the bar with work friends and while I was learning the line dance to Copperhead Road I realized just how strange life is. If you would have told me I'd be in Houston line dancing three months ago I would have laughed at you, but here I am. Some days I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Other days I just feel snobby. 

I'm going to talk with an advisor tomorrow at Kingwood College, hopefully get enrolled if they don't require payment upfront. Kind of exciting. 

look at me, way up high

I am so confused, so very confused. The deeper I get into this job, the more I wonder if it's right for me. First of all, I hate my location. I don't like the suburbs, I loathe the red necks and humidity. This company is investing in me so that I can teach for them, and I just keep thinking about how badly I want to flee this area. 

There is also a schedule issue. They want 12 noon until 10, sometimes 11 pm every night, and you are not getting paid for a lot of that time. They want weekends, unpaid. I guess they figure this should be a labor of love, and in a lot of ways I'm willing to commit, but not memorial day weekend, no way. I want Angi time, too. I want see the world and visit home time. I want just a little control of my schedule.  

I keep telling myself I need to stick with this, even if for only a year and see what happens. But what will I do if I've invested all this time into it only to discover that I want out?? Then what? I've wasted this opportunity. 

Maybe in a year they will open a location in Austin, or Dallas. Think happy thoughts. I suppose by then I will have acquired a skill and can switch companies if I need to relocate. Happy happy thoughts. 

Everything hurts. My legs, my head, my shoulders, and thanks to the chinese food, my stomach too. But I'm feeling good because I hit my financial goal for Burning Man, well almost. I can afford the ticket and a way there and back, but still need a little more for food and gear, but that shouldn't be a problem. Yippity yay yeah. I'm going to book my flight tomorrow, it's official... I'm going. 

Next goal, a car. And school. And kick ass boots. And saving. 

Friday was the 2nd quarter seminar at Fred Astaire, and an after party at the owners house. I got to meet and get to know the instructors from the other studios and made friends with a few pretty quickly. Even went out that night with people from the Katy studio. Three cheers for a growing social life, finally. Tommy, one of the instructors, wants me to do a Viennese waltz routine with him which sounds like lots of fun, definitely a challenge though, Viennese is FAST.

 

Ventalation

no more drunken blog postings.